


Back to Back

by AndWeMutate



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Kingdom Hearts III Spoilers, M/M, Mentions of Xion, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, mentions of roxas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 02:51:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndWeMutate/pseuds/AndWeMutate
Summary: "Isa decided long ago that he did not want to drag down someone he cared about, not again. What right did the moon have to steal the sun’s light? What gave the moon the right to claim the sun’s radiance as its’ own? From the very start, the moon knew its’ place, shrouded in darkness, only allowed to see moments of brilliance. The moon knew."Isa and Lea share a conversation in the middle of the night, cementing something that they both always knew.





	Back to Back

**Author's Note:**

> mmmm I love this ship, can't stop won't stop. 
> 
> I wrote this while obsessively listening to "Organs" by Of Monsters and Men because wow that song hurts and fits my vision of this ship perfectly. I love the complexity, toying with guilt and remorse and all of that fun stuff. I love this ship so dang much.

Isa wakes up when the sky is still dark with an indescribable ache in his chest. It leaves him breathless and he suddenly feels heavier. His limbs weigh so much more than he remembers and his body, for those long moments, is not his own. It comes back to him in waves, the reasons why he’s startled awake, and he’s always left with more questions than answers. He remembers how it all went wrong and it relentlessly replays in the very back of his head over and over again. He doesn’t let himself forget. Even his self-conscious refuses to let his actions be forgotten. Instead, he sleeps and allows the memories to wash over him, ice cold and unsympathetic, waiting for the moment when they so choose to drown him in guilt. 

It’s been a few weeks since he’s returned to a state of being whole. For the first few days, it felt like he was wearing someone else’s skin and seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. All at once, he felt more than he had in years and it was challenging to keep himself upright. He has a support system, one that he did not deserve, but he still choose to keep those dark thoughts buried deep within himself. He had burdened them with delusions of grandeur and tried to impose on them the beliefs of a man so twisted and tangled in darkness. He would not do the same now, not of his own accord, of his own sound mind. 

It was like learning how to walk all over again. He felt himself stumbling back into old, learned behaviors but he took the time to refocus, resteady himself and try again. Isa fought against the need to return to a dark place, apprehensive of his own existence, but he remained steadfast because of Lea. 

He sits up in the bed Lea had offered him, pressing his palm to his forehead. His head aches. The room spins and tilts and he wills it to stop. He shifts in bed and sits on its edge, feet on the floor. It brings him back to the present, to his current reality, and it’s not as comforting as he would have hoped. Inhaling deeply, he considers everything all at once, one thought cascading over another. The sound is so loud within his head. He can hear only static, fragments of conversations, distant footsteps and mumbled words. Sometimes, he only remembers the middle of a conversation, never the beginning and rarely the end. Isa floats in a sea of sound. It isolates him for those few moments he allows it to and he relives mistakes and misplaced anger. 

It’s only when the moon is high and the stars are alive outside of his window. He allows himself this weakness in the quiet of night. When the sun is out and the sky is bright, he feigns optimism and he offers a smile and he tries to believe that he can be complete once again. He doesn’t allow these ghosts to haunt him in the day. Only at night is Isa haunted. He relents and allows himself to fall into darker thoughts, allows himself to be possessed by grief. 

The floorboards creak outside his door but Isa does not react. It’s a familiar creak. He knows the weight that moves across the floor and causes the sound. He’s unfazed. The sound draws closer and Isa sighs, fingers gripping the tousled bed sheets. He waits for the silence to break and he waits for the same concerns he’s heard over the last few weeks. Damn him for being so observant when the matter did not concern him. 

Or perhaps it did. Isa was still unsure.

The weight on the bed shifts. It creaks in disapproval but settles just as quickly. Isa feels a splash of warmth against his back and adjusts accordingly to accommodate who he knows it is. It would never be anyone else, would it?

“Can’t sleep, Lea?”

A chuckle. “I should be asking you that.” A pause, a sigh and a sympathetic tone. “What’s wrong?”

There it is. He’d started keeping count and he’d been asked that sixteen times at the very least in the last three weeks or so. It was always in earnest, always sincere, but Isa never quite had the answer he knew his friend was expecting. Instead, he deflects. He changes the subject. Something, anything, to put his mind at ease. 

“Just...thinking,” he replies. It’s a truthful response, but it’s not the entire truth. Another tactic. He feels the redhead press his back against his own, as if he knew that response was half-hearted. Try again. “Trying to sort some things out.” Better.

Lea pulls a knee to his chest and makes himself comfortable against Isa’s back. He remembers doing this frequently when they were children. For a long while, Isa would move ever so slightly, causing the redhead to fall backwards. Yet, near the end of the childhood he still remembered, Lea recalls Isa allowing him to lean against him and make himself comfortable. It’s a fond series of memories and being here now, whole and reunited, in the very same position fills Lea’s chest with warmth, a flame brought back to life. “What kind of things?” Lea asks, the back of his head settling against the back of Isa’s, “Anything I can help with?”

Always so attentive. A people pleaser. That’s what Lea always had been. Isa chuckles wryly, “As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t think so.” 

Isa can’t see him, but he knows Lea is pouting. It’s a bad habit. Isa knows he’s chewing on his lower lip and he knows Lea is trying to think of a way to help him. It’s endearing, truly it is, but it’s a meaningless effort. Isa decided long ago that he did not want to drag down someone he cared about, not again. What right did the moon have to steal the sun’s light? What gave the moon the right to claim the sun’s radiance as its’ own? From the very start, the moon knew its’ place, shrouded in darkness, only allowed to see moments of brilliance. The moon knew.

Lea presses against Isa again. “Just tell me. C’mon, Isa. Is it so wrong that I want to help you?”

“You’ve done enough,” Isa answers curtly. He regrets it immediately. He sighs and tries again. “Truly, you have done more than enough for me,” he clarifies, his tone softer now. “There are just certain things that shouldn’t be said.” 

Lea doesn’t miss a beat. “That’s stupid.” He crosses his arms over his chest and, as Isa predicted, he pouts just a bit. “Whatever these ‘certain things’ are, you should just...say it. Why would you let words sit in there and eat you alive like that?” 

His eyes widen. It was such a simply statement, something so obvious, but hearing it aloud gave the words a different weight. They sit on his chest differently. For the briefest moment, the static is drowned out by the simplistic declaration and Isa is unsure of what to do with that knowledge. The words cycle endlessly in the back of his head and in a matter of moments, he feels like his entire world has been flipped on its side, all because of the simplest words. No flourish, no heightened sense of importance. Just simple, sincere words from his best friend.

There’s a part of him that’s tempted to look over his shoulder at the redhead, but he knows the comfort of their position, so he remains still. Inhaling deeply, Isa begins to sort through the words logically, taking care to choose his words carefully. Lea too often took words to heart, too often dug a little too deep. He didn’t want to make Lea cry, especially now that the marks beneath his eyes were gone. He’d have nothing left to stop him from crying if a word or two struck him too hard. He’d tread cautiously, if only to spare his friend from the thoughts that plagued him.

“There is a part of me that feels like...I should not have returned,” Isa begins. He can feel Lea’s back arching against his own but, must to Isa’s surprise, the redhead remains silent. He continues, “I told you I felt like I had lost all sense of purpose. That remains true. That feeling has not subsided and part of me fears that it never will.” His chest tightens and he hesitates to continue. He’s not sure why. Is it to spare Lea’s feelings or his own? 

He lays his palms flat on the bed, no long gripping the sheets beneath him. He feels a sense of ease wash over him. Knowing Lea is there helps, even if he’s vaguely aware of the beating of the redhead’s heart. “I have done many, many things I am not proud of. I began this journey with a single directive and it splintered and fragmented and after all of it, I lost it. I lost so much and in turn, I lost myself.” He speaks slowly, clearly and truthfully. “I’ve failed those who believed in me, those who cared, and I’m reminded of that every single day. It’s something I won’t allow myself to forget.”

Isa feels his heart beating faster now. He’s never said these things out loud before. These words had only ever existed as thoughts, little bits of doubt that burrowed in the darkest corners of his mind. He never intended to set them free, never intended to give them a voice of their own. Yet, here he was, saying these things to Lea, digging deeper than he had intended and sharing these ugly parts of himself with his best friend, perhaps the only person who still saw some good within him. 

It was suddenly hard to breathe. A single breath caught in the back of his throat and he felt himself panic. He couldn’t turn back now and he was acutely aware of it. He couldn’t take these words back, ask Lea to forget what he’d heard. They were free and roaming, the words he’d wanted to keep hidden, and there was something frightening about it. His shoulders tighten and he feels his jaw clench. 

Lea feels the shift, as minute as it was, and reaches a hand behind him and places it atop Isa’s. He gives it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. Lea brushes his thumb against the top of Isa’s hand. The action is so simple, yet it alters Isa’s entire train of thought for those few extended moments. There’s part of him that knows he should retract his hand, regain the self-control that he had relinquished. However, he selfishly banishes the thought and turns his hand and gives Lea’s hand a gentle squeeze back.

“You have been so kind to me, despite having only memories to hold tight to. You have always been a true friend to me, even when I have been undeserving. I have given you no reason to believe my intentions are true. You are seeing the me you once knew and everyone else, the me they remember. I see disdain in Roxas’ eyes and I see fear in Xion’s,” Isa says, fingers curling around Lea’s. He doesn’t realize he’s doing it at first. He adds quietly, “She’s terrified of me.”

“Isa…” Lea tries, but he’s interrupted.

“Don’t tell me I’m wrong,” he says softly, sternly, “because I know I’m not. I remember the things I’ve said, I’ve done, so what makes you think she wouldn’t? What makes you think her or Roxas would have any reason to believe I’m not the monster they remember?” They’d seen him at his ugliest, his most violent and his most brutal. That was their reality, their first and lasting impression of Isa, rather Saix, and while Lea had memories of their past to cling to, they two young Organization members did not. Isa did not blame them for what he believed they’d thought. How could he? 

“Have you talked to them? Maybe see if you guys can get one the same page? A lot’s happened.” 

Isa doesn’t answer. He’s still, silent. It’s another simple, logical statement that simply hadn’t occurred to him. Even if he feigned ignorance, he knew exactly why their opinions of him were paramount. He knew exactly why.

“Why don’t y--?”

“My jealousy is an ugly creature,” admits Isa, a fact Lea knew very well, better than anyone else. “They are of the utmost importance to you, those two, and I want...to be accepted by them. I want them to approve of me because they are important to you.” 

Lea is speechless. It’s a rarity but it feels as though every word has been stripped from him, tossed aside and left to rot. He felt his own chest ache at the realization of Isa’s concerns. It ran deeper than he’d thought. Isa was so concerned with something Lea hadn’t expected and he’d put so much thought into the opinions of his two be--

Isa exhales slowly. Lea understands. His hand shifts again, slowly threading his fingers with Isa’s. He gives his hand a squeeze, taking a moment to admire how beautifully their hands fit together. The thought is fleeting and disappears as quickly as it came. “Listen to me,” he begins, pressing his back against Isa’s, reaffirming that he was here, that he would always be here, “You are my best friend. Roxas is my best friend. Xion is my best friend. I can have all three of you. I mean, yeah, maybe that’s selfish but…” Lea’s voice trails off in a chuckle. “I know me telling you not to be jealous doesn’t help.”

“Not in the slightest,” Isa adds.

Lea gives Isa’s hand a teasing squeeze. “What I’m tryin’ to say is...no matter what, no matter how many friends or best friends or whatever, you don’t have to be jealous, alright? You got me.” There’s a pause. Lea shifts slightly against Isa’s back, the back of his head pressing against Isa’s still. “You’ve always had me. From the start, Isa, you’ve had me. Hasn’t changed. Don’t think it will.”

He had, hadn’t he? Even when they walked down separate paths, moving through their lives at varying speeds, their paths already led back to one another. Somehow, someway, the two found each other over and over again. Even now, when things were unclear and the future seemingly endless and uncertain, they were together. Isa had tried time and time again to forget Lea, when they were younger, naive and carefree, but it was impossible. Lea found a way to immortalize himself within Isa’s heart, just the way he wanted. He’d always found a way to get the things he wanted, then and now.

Isa dare not speak. Not now. The two share the silence, coexist in the moment together. Back to back, hand in hand, they surround themselves in the knowledged that then, now and possibly for the remainder of their lives, they had each other.

**Author's Note:**

> another unbeta'd piece so apologies for any silly errors.


End file.
